The pandemic has put pressure on so many areas of our lives. And relationships are definitely one area that may be suffering right now. Pre-pandemic, we had our offices, our nights out with girlfriends, our family gatherings and churches to take the pressure off. Now we are stuck at home with our spouse and kids, no outlets for anyone. 

The added stress that we take on adds pressure to our relationships. But we can still survive, and even grow! Here are three qualities that couples that survive (and even thrive!) possess:

1. Good Communication

Now with telecommuting, you may be with your partner 24/7 and the issues that were conveniently pushed aside are now glaring at you all day. You can’t escape to the office, or go have drinks with your friends to get space. The tension often times leads to a big argument, often over small things. 

The silver lining is that being together all the time is allowing you to see where you need to address the issues in your relationship. So talk about what is bothering each of you. Work out some of these things that maybe you have been pushing under the rug. And if it gets too much, see a therapist or other trusted person to help you get through it. 

Be aware of your needs, either for closeness or for space and let your partner know. Sometimes we feel like “this is the way it’s always been; I don’t want to change.” “I feel guilty for asking for space,” or “I feel guilty for asking for more intimacy.” This is normal. Change can feel scary and unnatural. Asking for what we need can feel vulnerable. However, you can use this time to be an opportunity for growth, for your relationship and you personally. 

Find ways to work out the small things that annoy you from being together all day. Learn how to communicate so that the small things don’t blow up into big arguments. Sometimes small tweaks to communication can prevent hours of arguing over small things. If you don’t know what to say, read books, go to youtube or find a therapist to help you make these changes. 

2.  Acceptance of the Messiness of Life and Relationships

Life is messy with the pandemic. Kids are having to do school over screens, we are having to meet our friends over zoom; everything feels less than ideal.  This is no different from our relationships. Things will be less than ideal. Date night? Forget the romantic candlelit dinner at the 5 star restaurant (it’s closed). Need some alone time with your spouse? Forget it, your kids will be there! 

In your relationship, you may be bickering more. You may feel less excited about being with your partner since you are with them all.day.long. Don’t let this immediately send you into wondering if you should break up with this person. Life is messy and right now our relationships are going to be messy. We can acknowledge that right now things feel a little out of whack. And we may need to reassess and tweak things to make our relationships work.  And that’s ok. 

3. The Ability to Find Creative Ways to Have Fun

Everything is closed. And if you have kids, you have no babysitting. This makes it (really) hard to have fun. And although Netflix is a fine way to pass the time and bond with your partner, finding creative ways to have fun can spice up a relationship and break up the monotony of being home all day. 

Be open to new things. Many of us have had the same routine for many years. Our day to day lives have become stagnant, and maybe our relationship reflects this. This is a time where you can open your mind to new activities and bond with your spouse. Trying new things together often brings a new spark into a relationship. 

Find a new hobby together, learn a language, cook a new dish. We can’t go to museums or restaurants, but we can do things outdoors. Depending on the weather, and where you live, there are many things to do outdoors. If anything, take a walk and have a quality conversation with your spouse. Got small kids? Put them in the stroller and have them go with you. Take the dogs too! Exercise, sunlight and nature are excellent for our mental health. And if you are both happy, you will be better partners. 

We are living in unprecented times. Things have shifted and changed. And with that, our ways of life have also changed, in our work, our schools, and our relationships. Being flexible to that change, learning to adapt and be creative, can allow our relationship to not only survive but grow into something amazing. 

About the author: Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in couples counseling. She serves the San Jose, Milpitas, Fremont, Cupertino, and surrounding Bay Area. If you are interested in couples counseling to survive the pandemic, find out more about her here. 

Does Marriage Therapy Work?

Marital therapy, and therapy in general, can seem like a pretty mysterious and anxiety-provoking process. People often picture opening up their deepest darkest secrets to a stranger they’ve never met. If this is what you imagine, you are right–in part. 

Yes, in order for therapy to work, you will have to be honest and open up about what’s really going on in your relationship. However, it doesn’t have to feel mysterious and nerve-wracking. As a therapist, I try to make you feel as relaxed and natural as possible.

Marriage therapy can be a place where you can connect to your loved one again. It can be a place to finally resolve some of your old issues that keep coming up over and over.  As your therapist, I work hard to get you to your goals. Where you were hitting your head against the wall, you may finally see a solution.

So what is marriage or couples counseling and how does it work?

Many people wonder does marriage therapy work? I liken the work that marriage therapists do to a mechanic. When you drive your car, you might hear a squeal or rattling coming from your car. Or it might break down often. If you are not knowledgeable about cars (e.g. myself), you will have no idea what is going on. You just know your car is breaking down and you want someone to fix it! 

In comes the mechanic to save the day. They open up the hood. They drive the car, listen for the sounds. They know where to look to find the culprit of what is causing the trouble. And then they go for it. 

Where this analogy breaks down is in the case of a broken car, you just drop off the car at the shop and they take care of it. In the case of therapy, you bring yourself to the therapy room and I teach you how to fix your relationship yourself. 

Sometimes I model what it looks like and have you practice. Then I’d send you home to practice.  It’s like the mechanic giving you the tools to fix your car and teaching you how to fix it! The hope is that in the future, you will be able to fix your relationship on your own, or just come in for “tune ups.”

As a couples therapist, where are the areas I look for to find problems?

• Family of origin issues. Oftentimes the expectations and hurts we bring in from our family of origin can cause tension in our relationships.

• Current stressors. I call them the “Big 5”– chores, finances, in-laws, sex and children. Most of my clients are dealing with at least one of those stressors and some are dealing with multiple stressors all at once.

• Mental Health issues: Dealing with mental health and addiction issues can be very confusing, both for the person experiencing it as well as the partner.

• Past unresolved issues. Lots of couples come in with unresolved issues. Maybe a past infidelity, an incident that hurt someone to the core where there was no closure. A lot of times the couple just moved on but the hurt was still there.

• Communication Patterns & personality differences. One person may be very introverted and feel pressured by an introverted partner to always go out, or vice versa. One person may shut down when in conflict while the other may yell. 

These are just some of the factors I look for when I’m assessing a couple. 

Once I see what is going on, I take the time to let you know where I feel things broken down. I direct people during session and out of session to do certain things that will build their relationship and make it stronger.  

Oftentimes one or both people don’t want to change.  Through gentle and respectful exploration, I figure out  what is keeping that person from change. (Usually it’s fear, shame, or a childhood wound).  

Lastly, I instill hope. I remind them that they are here, and if you are going to take an hour out of your day to sit in front of a stranger and talk about some pretty painful things, and pay for it, then you must be committed. And if we have that, we have a lot. 

About the author: Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist serving the Milpitas, Fremont and San Jose areas. She is passionate about helping couples rebuild their bonds and trust each other again. If you are interested in couples therapy or marriage therapy, find out more here. 

To answer the question, Does Marriage Therapy Work? YES, If you work it.

Should I Really Wait For My Boyfriend To Change Or What?

Are you in love with someone who swears they want to change, but can’t quite seem to make the leap? Have you started to wonder how long is too long when waiting for someone to change? Should you cut your losses immediately and walk away, or stay and hope they come around? Should you wait for your boyfriend to change or for your girlfriend to change?

You’ve probably heard “People don’t change,” “Leopards never change their spots,” and other well-meaning pieces of advice. The problem is that these are generalizations. If they were true all the time, no one would ever change or improve. 

Because every situation is different, there are no hard and fast rules. The good news is that you can steer yourself in the right direction by asking yourself a few questions:

1. Are you betting on potential?

Are you in love with who your boyfriend is, or just what he could become? It’s OK to want someone to change, but are your expectations realistic? Do you need him to change a couple of bad habits, or are you holding out for a personality transplant? Be honest! 

2. Has your boyfriend taken any steps to change, no matter how small?

It’s easy to make promises, but change only happens when someone takes action. If you’ve been trying to get him to change for months and nothing has happened, it’s unwise to assume he’ll suddenly wake up one morning and decide to be a better man.  

3. What are your family and friends telling you?

When you’re in love, it’s easy to become blind to your partner’s faults. Although they can never know the full story – they aren’t in the relationship, after all – a trusted friend or relative can gently point out patterns in your partner’s behavior. This can help you weigh up the likelihood he’ll change.

4. What is your intuition telling you about your relationship?

If your gut is screaming at you to run, or whispering that he’ll never change, it’s time to listen.  

5. On balance, does the relationship bring you more pain than joy?

Love isn’t supposed to hurt. Sure, every relationship has its challenges, but staying with someone who brings you down isn’t healthy. Not every relationship works out, and that’s OK. Sometimes, you need to date lots of people before “the one” comes along.  

6. Are you willing to support your boyfriend as he makes changes?

Even if your partner shows true commitment to change, it doesn’t mean you have to stick around. For instance, supporting someone with an alcohol dependency as they move to a sober lifestyle is mentally taxing. If you don’t feel ready or able to offer that kind of support, that’s OK. You don’t have act as an unpaid caregiver.

How To Set Boundaries

Everyone has the right to decide what they will and will not tolerate in relationships. You need to establish your limits, and tell your boyfriend what will happen if he doesn’t make changes. For instance, you could say, “If you don’t join a rehab program within a month, I won’t be continuing this relationship. I need to be with someone who takes their health seriously.”

Note that this isn’t the same as an ultimatum. Ultimatums are threats, whereas boundaries simply set out what you will do if the situation doesn’t change. Boundaries empower you. 

It’s tough to walk away from a relationship. When we fall in love, we want to believe that our partners will work with us. We like to think that, with the right encouragement, they will become better, healthier people. 

Forced Change Is Worse Than No Change

Finally, remember that lasting change only comes from within. Forcing your partner to do something won’t end well. They will resent you, and your relationship will slowly crumble. 

Focus on your own needs instead. Is the relationship slowly moving in the right direction, or has it stagnated? It may be time to move on. It’s great to love and support someone else, but never forget that your mental health and wellbeing comes first.

Still confused about whether or not you should wait for Boyfriend To Change? change or let go? Consider talking things over with a therapist. A therapist is an unbiased third party who can help you process what you need. Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in relationships in the San Jose and Milpitas areas. Find out more about couples counseling here,  and individual counseling here.  

Euphoric Love

The beginning of a romantic relationship is a whirlwind of hormones, dreams, and fantasies of a perfect future. You wonder how you ever managed to live without your new partner. Everything feels magical. The two of you feel inseparable. It’s euphoric love. You overlook one another’s faults, and assume that you’ll always be able to resolve your differences quickly and easily.

Scientists say that the symptoms we feel when we are in love are similar to those who have OCD: the obssessed, can’t think straight, can’t eat, can’t wait to see him feelings are all too common. Furthemore, researchers say that the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain that is involved in addiction (say to cocaine, or gambling) lights up when we are “in love.”

Unfortunately (and fortunately), this stage doesn’t last forever. Many couples’ brains calm down after the honeymoon period is over. Some people transition into this comfortable, deeper, more secure stage quite nicely. However, others may feel like something is not right.  They may feel like the shine has worn off their relationship, and reality of being with a flawed human starts setting in. Some people might be left wondering, “What went wrong?”

Accept that all relationships lose their initial passion

Smart couples keep their expectations realistic. They know that, within two years, the honeymoon period will probably be over. The euphoric love will die down, and the relationship will move into a new phase.

Although the media might tell you otherwise, this is actually a good thing. If we all walked around in a state of obsession, society would soon grind to a halt. Euphoric love is exhausting, and can even distract you from your work and other important relationships.

If the passion has gone, it doesn’t mean you are no longer compatible. Neither does it mean your partner no longer finds you attractive. However, you do need to make a choice: Will you abandon your relationship and look for a new source of euphoric love elsewhere, or will you stay and embrace the next part of your lives together?

What comes after euphoric love?

If you are to stay together, you need to reframe the problem. Instead of lamenting that your relationship has lost its initial spark, embrace the chance to move to the next level and develop long-lasting love based on true intimacy. 

You start to realize that you are two different people. Contrary to your early expectations, you won’t agree on everything, and that’s OK. You can learn how to disagree and compromise, and you can love someone even when you don’t particularly appreciate their behaviors.

Your partner will frustrate you, and you’ll annoy them in return. That’s normal! The secret is to keep checking in with one another, communicate your needs, and make your relationship a top priority in your life.

Choose to love your partner

Love isn’t just a noun; it’s also a verb. Loving your partner is a conscious choice. Choosing to rededicate yourself to the relationship every day is the best way to let it grow. Spend time with your partner in meaningful hobbies and activities that develop you as individuals and as a couple. Every day, set aside a few minutes to talk. Share the most interesting parts of your day, and bring up any problems or worries you have at the earliest opportunity.

Set goals that will move you closer to the vision you’ve set for your life. Check in regularly to make sure you share the same vision. Supporting one another and working as a team fosters intimacy. This might not sound as exciting as euphoric love, but it’s actually more rewarding. Infatuation gives you a buzz, but there’s no substitute for a mutually satisfying relationship based on mutual appreciation and respect.

Euphoric love is an amazing experience, but it’s only the beginning of a meaningful relationship. Although there’s nothing wrong with reminiscing about your early days together, the healthiest approach is to look to the future.

About the author: Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who provides Couples counseling in  San Jose and Milpitas. She can help you work together to build a satisfying life together that meets your need for love and intimacy. Learn more about couples counseling with Lia Huynh here. 

I feel like lately there’s been a lot of talk among twenty somethings about chivalry. Interestingly enough, the talk has been initiated from the men, not the women. Usually the talk is from well-meaning, caring men who are eager to attract the right one using chivalrous tactics.

It’s a good value to have

And you know, I get it. And I do think it’s cute, I think it’s better than the guys I hung around with in my 20’s who liked talking about farting and taco bell and women’s body parts. It’s definitely a step up the maturity scale, that’s for sure.

Chivalry is too easy

However, when I listen to these young men talk about chivalry, I still feel like something is not quite right. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t feel comfortable about it being the “standard” for treating a woman right. And quite frankly, I feel that taking chivalry so seriously lets a guy off the hook too easily.

It’s easy to pull out a chair. It’s hard to listen someone and genuinely care about them. It’s easy to give a girl your jacket. It’s hard to care about her purity over your own desires. It’s easy to open a car door. It’s hard to be committed to just her. If all it takes is a guy to open a car door, or go to Costco and buy a bouquet of flowers for $12.99 to be heralded as a “Prince Charming” we are not expecting enough from our men who are capable of much more.

Try doing what Jesus did

Jesus didn’t say that loving someone entailed paying the bill or putting your jacket on a puddle for a girl to walk on. Jesus said that loving someone meant putting their needs above your own (Philipians 2:1-8). That loving meant seeing a woman not as a sex object but as a precious sister in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1-2). That loving meant enjoying someone for who they were, not for what they could give you, whether or not they were interested in you or how cute they were. And ultimately, in marriage, to die for her (Ephesians 5:25).

Chivalry can be very valuable in the right context

Now before I start sounding like a man-hating bitter old woman who doesn’t have enough love in my life, I want to say that chivalrous acts are not bad in and of themselves. I think they are wonderful, and I personally love it when my husband acts chivalrous towards me. However, without the foundation of genuine love and sincere care for a woman, chivalry is frankly, meaningless. However, in the context of a godly Biblical relationship, chivalry is truly a beautiful and respectable thing.

So guys, chivalry is not dead and it is still very valuable! But don’t let it be your bread and butter. If you want to find a partner, spend time with a girl and get interested in her life . Learn to be a good listener. Serve others with no agenda. Be kind to others. Be courageous about following Him with obedience. Then go buy those roses and watch her swoon!