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Arguing, its normal…

Arguing is normal. It can happen often in all kinds of relationships – romantic, platonic, and even between family members.

In fact, arguments and conflicts can actually be healthy for your relationship to some extent. They show that both sides of the argument are honest and are trying to express the way they feel. They are a clear sign that even that there is something wrong with the relationship, the partners are trying to resolve them.

Not listening to the other partner is when most of the times things go wrong. Keeping it all inside is another recipe for a broken relationship.

But if you and your partner are constantly yelling and arguing all the time can make you feel unloved and can even result in wondering if you are actually right to one another.

Learning how to handle disagreements in a healthy and constructive way is crucial for any type of relationship.

Speaking of conflicts, research shows that unfortunately, they are a big part of multicultural and Asian American relationships.

Asian Americans need to balance the intersection of multiple social identities and cultures. Often Asian Americans are facing a lot of pressure. They need to tackle immigration, patriarchy, and difference in family values, which sometimes affect the ability to form romantic relationships.

As society becomes more accepting and open to intercultural relationships, marriages among Asian Americans are increasing. Whit that the issues and conflicts in marriages due to cultural differences and values rise as well.

Conflicts are inevitable. The only thing that matters is how you deal with them.

Here is what you can do to handle conflicts in your relationship.

Figure out what you’re fighting about

The first thing you need to do is to acknowledge the argument and to find out why exactly you and your partner are fighting.

It’s important to not think about the problems only at a surface level. Oftentimes even the small arguments come from deeper issues buried beneath that are the REAL problem.

Sometimes what we argue about is only the symptom of what is actually going wrong, not the cause of it.

If you and your romantic partner argue frequently about the same things, that may be a clear sign that they are bigger issues in your relationship that you are not addressing.

Don’t forget that there are a lot of external factors that can affect your relationship as well… Recent changes in professional aspects, moving houses, financial issues, or even family issues can put extra pressure on everyone. That pressure can sometimes build up and affect our mood.

You and your partner both need to try your best to see past your emotions and try to see the bigger picture. Get to the bottom of what has been bothering you and work on resolving it.

Talk it over with your partner

Talking with your spouse can be challenging at times, especially when you feel frustrated, unheard, or misunderstood.

But being honest and vulnerable with your partner can bring you closer together. If you need to have a rough talk, prepare yourself for it. Don’t give in to the emotions.

You can prepare a list of everything you want to say or discuss with your spouse. And remember, it’s not all about talking, you need to respect your partner and listen.

Choose a proper time to talk to your partner. When you speak with your spouse, maintain eye contact and resist the temptation to interrupt him or her.

If you feel confused, try to repeat what your partner said in your own words. Ask your partner to explain it in other words. When both of you feel heard, you’re less likely to explode.

Help your partner feel heard
Remember, that oftentimes there are bigger issues buried inside your relationship. It’s not all about the surface-level stuff.

 

Don’t tell your partner that they get mad about the smallest things. Or that they get angry about things that are not important.

Always try to understand where your partner is coming from. The problem might appear insignificant to you, but it might be very important to them. You are different individuals, and you are perceiving and reacting to what is happening to you differently.

Try to understand why things are important to your partner and try to come up with a compromise that will help you resolve your problems.

Be prepared to compromise with your partner
We as individuals are different from one another. Even if we’re in a long-term relationship, we still perceive the world around us differently from our partners. That’s why it’s important to compromise and try to find a solution that works for both partners.

If you and your partner are pushing to get your way (arguing ), you’ll probably just keep fighting. And you can easily make the situation even worse.

Both of you need to compromise a little so that you’re able to move past things. Sometimes, an imperfect solution is better than no solution at all.

Keep your anger in check
It’s normal to feel anger building up inside of you. Anger is not necessarily a bad emotion. Anger can actually be helpful in some situations such as standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.

But when your anger gets out of control you can seriously damage your relationships. Even if your partner isn’t listening, raising your voice and starting to yell won’t make them listen. Just share how you’re feeling. Share that you’re feeling unheard and disregarded.

You can say something like “I feel like you’re not listening to what I’m saying and this really hurts my feelings”.

Don’t let anger take control over your mind and body.

Diffusing arguments in relationships takes patience, compassion, and forgiveness. But some arguments are too difficult to solve on your own. If you and your partner are struggling to find a common ground, seeking help from professional marriage and relationship counselor can help you both find the next best step to solving your problem.

Remember arguing is normal.

Lia Huynh San Jose and Milpitas

About

My life’s work is helping individuals and couples get better. I help couples restore their sense of togetherness by rediscovering their strengths as individuals, and their collective strength as a duo. And I help my individual clients to negotiate the sources of depression and anxiety, while moving them gently toward feeling a deeper sense of connection with their world. This is all done through our counseling and therapy together. 

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