Why Do Men Cheat? Understanding the Reasons From a Therapist’s Perspective

One of the most devastating things that couples can go through is infidelity. One question I always hear is, “Why do men cheat?” Oftentimes, the person who cheated does not know why.

Many people want to know why do men cheat so they can prevent it in the future. I’ve observed that a person’s propensity to cheat runs on a continuum or sliding scale.

Propensity to Cheat Runs on a Continuum

Some people never cheat, no matter what kind of situation they are in. On the other end of the continuum are those who cheat, even in the best of relationships. And then there are those in the middle who want to be faithful but would consider it under certain circumstances. Figuring out where your partner lies is essential.

When the spark fades, and emotional distance sets in, some begin to explore why do men want mistresses as a way to fulfill unmet desires they no longer feel comfortable expressing at home.

Why Do Men Cheat? Understanding the Underlying Reasons

For the sake of simplicity, this blog post will focus on men who cheat. However, it goes both ways.

Here is a list of reasons I’ve found in my practice that can shed light on why do men cheat. Note that most people will fit into at least a few of these categories, and one can intertwine with another.

12 Reasons Why Men Cheat

1. The Relationship Is Struggling

This one is the most obvious. The relationship is struggling. There is no genuine connection; the couple is together for the sake of the kids or convenience. Often, physical intimacy is no longer present.

Sometimes, someone who cheats in a struggling relationship has a hard time communicating their feelings. Or maybe they have spoken up but feel their partner did not listen. He may use cheating as a way to deal with his anger.

Suppose people aren’t getting their intimacy needs met in a relationship, and along comes Sally or Sam, a coworker who suddenly starts listening to your partner. In that case, it is like drinking water when you are severely hydrated.

Sometimes it is a way to cope with hopelessness in a relationship. They may use cheating as a coping mechanism to deal with hurt feelings. Or they may use cheating subconsciously as a last-ditch effort to get their partner to listen to them.

All of these things are unhealthy ways of coping with an unhappy relationship, and I always aim to help the cheating partner find better ways to deal with wounds they feel from the relationship.

I often try to help them see that cheating makes a struggling relationship go from bad to worse. Cheating is a self-destructive cycle that needs to be examined and is often reflected in a person’s pattern of dealing with negative emotions. Learning that you can grow during hardship, rather than resorting to destructive behaviors, is a goal for these individuals.

2. Modeling From Parents

Your parents show you how to live. As children, we take in powerful messages that stay with us for the rest of our lives. And there is no bigger message than to see something lived out by example. This is true for the positive things we saw in our parents, but also the negative things, like infidelity.

I’ve noticed that this is especially true of same-sex parents when it comes to relationships. So if you are a male and you see your father cheating, or a female who saw your mother cheating, this will be a powerful message that this is a way of living, to cope, to solve problems, etc.

Oftentimes, seeing a parent cheat sends powerful messages to their children about the opposite sex. For example: “women are not to be trusted,” “monogamous relationships are boring and dead,” “a man who respects his wife is weak,” or “have your fun and get yours because soon enough your wife will take advantage of you.”

Often, a man may not even be aware that he has these feelings towards women. This is why it is essential for men who cheat to self-reflect and understand how their views of women affect their behavior.

3. Anger With Opposite Sex Parent

Again, your opposite-sex parent is a window into how the world works. Your relationship with your opposite-sex parent is a representation of men or women. As a man, if you have a strained relationship with your mother, you are likely to subconsciously (or consciously) feel similarly about women as a whole.

The complicated part is that a person may be untrusting of women but still desire the benefits of a romantic relationship.

This plays out very subtly in life. A man might feel that he cannot trust women if his mother has failed him or does not keep her promises. In that way, he may not give his whole self to his wife, reserving parts of himself for other women.

A man might have been controlled by his mother, so he feels he needs to take control and ensure he is always the dominator. One way to feel in control is to never give one’s whole self to a single woman. Cheating is a way that this may play out.

4. Trauma/hurt from a previous relationship

I have seen the sweetest men who seem to love their significant other, but cheat on their partner time and time again. What is sometimes uncovered is that they were very devoted to their previous wife and gave her their whole heart. But in the end, she cheated on him and shattered his world.

This trauma damaged the male partner. So he decided never to let this happen to him again. To protect himself from the hurt he felt, he always had other women around to make sure he never was this vulnerable again.

Often, I see men who don’t want to face those painful feelings. They want to bury it, build walls around their hearts, and move on. It is only when these feelings erupt into behaviors like cheating that they come into therapy.

They need to process those feelings and heal here. When they heal, they can create a new story with their new partner, rather than repeatedly reliving the old one.

5. Sex Addiction

Sex addiction refers to excessive sexual thoughts, desires, urges, or behaviors that can’t be controlled and cause distress and harm to your relationships, finances, and other aspects of your life. Sexual addiction is also called hypersexuality, compulsive sexual behavior, and other names.

Oftentimes, sex addiction starts when someone is younger. Maybe someone was exposed to porn at a young age and it became an addiction. That addiction often grows stronger, and the person needs more and more to feed the addiction.

This could be in the form of massage parlours, prostitutes, or multiple affairs. For some people, the porn addiction could lead to fantasies of sex with other people.

My belief is that sex addiction, or any addiction for that matter, comes from a place of pain. And the addictive substance somehow brings powerful relief to that pain. This is a powerful feedback loop for someone who is struggling with depression or trauma.

It will be important for someone with a sex addiction to be willing to admit it.

People with an actual sex addiction will need sex addiction treatment. I always tell my clients that once a week couples therapy is good, but if someone cannot stop having affairs, they need to seek more intense treatment around chronic affairs and/or sex addiction.

6. The Thrill of the Chase

The thrill of seeking a partner, the highs of being desired and chased, or being the chaser, can be exhilarating. Once you have found your partner and things have settled down, however, all of that inevitably fades as you grow deeper in your relationship. Things become more familiar, and the excitement begins to fade.

Some people miss the feeling of being desired, the sense of the chase. Often, they wonder if they still have it and want to prove to themselves that they are still attractive.

They will seek out these relationships to gain attention and feel desirable. Often, these people either have deep insecurities about their attractiveness, or their identity is wrapped up around their desirability from the opposite sex (maybe they are used to the attention, and it was their main sense of worthiness).

This is where it is essential:

• To have realistic expectations about long-term relationships — that the exciting infatuation stage almost always fades when the relationship deepens (and this is not a bad thing),
• To make sure you are growing together and experiencing exciting things together, and
  

You are both showing each other your attraction.

7. Narcissism

This is something I will come across from time to time, and I’m glad that it is more the exception than the norm. Working with narcissists in my opinion is the very difficult. 

Narcissists by nature lack empathy and will use their partners for their own gain. They oftentimes do not care about how their partner feels unless it relates to their own desires or goals. Therefore there is nothing stopping a narcissist from cheating unless it would be detrimental to their own needs. These types of cheaters are the most dangerous because they often do not have any remorse. 

I believe that Narcissism runs on a continuum, so there are some who can be helped. However, on the higher end of the spectrum, they will not change. 

8. The Correlation Between Biological Factors, Power, Thrill Seeking and Cheating

High achievers who love to conquer are often very successful in life. They have conquered in the career aspect, so conquering many women (or men!) just goes with the territory. They receive a high from conquering.

People in power often have access to individuals who are willing to engage in affairs (such as sports figures and politicians), and they also have people who are eager to have affairs in exchange.

When an interviewer asked Bill Clinton why do men want mistresses, his answer was so poignant. He said, “Because I could.” He was in a position of power and had many people willing to sleep with him.

Research shows that men with higher testosterone levels tend to exhibit more cheating behavior. They also exhibit more risk-taking behavior and seek more positions of power. So my take is that power and cheating are correlated because of the accessibility of women to men who have power, but also just the hormonal makeup of men who tend to seek and achieve places of power.

On a biological level, people who are more prone to infidelity may be driven by an upsurge in pleasure chemicals like dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin. Those who are more extroverted may be more likely to cheat because they thrive on new social connections.

9. A Desire to Explore Other Suppressed Identities

Author Esther Perel talks about how sometimes people have affairs because there is an identity they want to explore. She talks about a woman who had a good marriage and a promising career, who cheated on her husband, who was an arborist, covered in tattoos; they’d have sex in cars or movie theaters.

She was always the “good girl” and very rule-abiding. She loved the idea of being a “bad girl” and having sex in places where she could get caught.

In this case, the affair was about exploring a suppressed identity.

Many people don’t understand that we all have different parts of our identity, and sometimes we want to express other parts of ourselves that might not be met in our relationship.

10. Lack of Healthy Boundaries 

Lack of sexual chemistry is a huge reason people cheat. Often, the person who cheats will say they felt like a friend, roommate, or business partner rather than a lover in their relationship. They want to feel wanted and desired sexually.

They also want to experience variety and novelty in sex. Sometimes, they are seeking that in an affair.

The problem with this is that sex outside of the relationship is often shrouded in secrecy, shame, and guilt. This can damage the relationship in multiple ways.

11. Opportunity and Accessibility

Technology has created an easy way for people to cheat. People meet on apps or sites designed to facilitate affairs or hookups. People spend a significant amount of time on social media, and there are opportunities to connect with individuals they would never have met otherwise.

Sometimes, the temptation is just there.

In the past, opportunities were more limited. Now it is everywhere.

12. Cultural and Social Norms

Sometimes, men cheat because the culture around them enables or excuses cheating behavior.

In some circles, it is almost expected or even a status symbol for men to have multiple partners. This can be in the form of “boys will be boys” mentality or the idea that men need to prove their masculinity through sexual conquests.

In locker room talk or peer groups where infidelity is normalized, men may begin internalizing the idea that it’s natural or expected, leaving them questioning why do men want mistresses even when they’re in committed relationships.

In these cases, social pressure may push men to cheat, or they may not see the behavior as wrong.

Moving Forward: Can Men Stop Cheating?

Understanding why do men cheat is simply the first step. Change is feasible when people are willing to self-reflect and take responsibility for their conduct. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper troubles that need to be addressed.

Contact an expert counselor today to learn why men want mistresses or need help with dating challenges.

Let’s work toward healing and knowledge, because understanding why men cheat is a step one to changing the narrative.

About the author: Lia Huynh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in Couples and Marriage Therapy/ Counseling. In her decades of practice, she has seen many couples devastated by infidelity. However, she has also seen couples heal and become stronger as a result. If you want to find out more about her and her services, you can do so here.